Taking aim at pop culture.


Guest Entry: US Weekly Spoiler

I know, people... it's HUGE.Here we go...

1. Cover Story: OK, I've decided to spoil the Life & Style cover first because TomKat's seemingly imminent demise is much more interesting than the fact that Jessica did indeed cheat on Nick. OK, so here's what we know... the very well-reputed Life & Style Weekly is reporting that according to friends, Tom & Katie have decided to "SPLIT! ... before they end up hating each other." (Do they care that everyone else already hates them?) They're going to live the lie until the baby is born, but they're doing so in separate bedrooms. They're going to share custody of the kid, with Tom buying Katie a house close to his to make it easier. He will also make things easier by surgically implanting a tracking device in Katie's head so he will know where she and child are at all times.The reasons they broke up are, "1) They never agreed on religion, 2) Tom's totally nuts, 3) He tried to control everything." I swear it says, "Tom's totally nuts."Of course, the TomKat Kamp is all "deny deny deny" right now, a la Jess-n-Nick... and we all know how THAT turned out. (See #2.) I don't know people, we can only hope and pray that our little Joey Potter has indeed come to her senses and realized no amount of money is worth living with that couch-jumping, alien-believing, anti-medication psychotic munchkin.

2. Second Cover Story: Jessica cheated on Nick with the Maroon Five dude - who's quickly achieved elite status in the Adam Duritz "WHY Do Chicks Dig Him?" Hall of Fame - while she was still married. Jessica and Maroon Five are now dating but Nick doesn't care because he's too busy rooting for his new girlfriend in the Miss America contest and his brother, that dancing fool Drew.Side note: the picture of Miss Kentucky on page 62 is worth the price of this issue. She is in desperate need of an Oprah Bra Intervention.

3. Tori Spelling says that she and her new fiance don't think they're jumping into anything. "We searched our whole lives, we finally found each other and we want to start that life as quickly as possible." I'm just curious... did she THINK she found him when she married her first husband or had she just decided to give up the search and marry the next guy that came along?

4. I don't understand why Gwen Stefani is getting such rave reviews for her "You Tarzan, Me Pregnant" Grammy gown.

5. Fergie the Pea said, "Veronica Lake in the 50's was my inspiration!" of her Grammy look. Too bad her surgeon thought she said, "Veronica Lake in HER 50's."

6. Nicole Kidman's had a lot of plastic surgery, right? Can this be confirmed? And PS... why doesn't she ever go to the kid's soccer games?

7. Britney Spears was bragging about "designing" her own Grammy "dress" (consider those air quotes). She shouldn't have bragged. And she definitely shouldn't have designed.

8. There's a guy mentioned here who's titled, "nightlife guru." I have two questions: one, how does one obtain that title and two, why hasn't he dated the Olsen twins yet?

9. News flash! Jennifer Love Hewitt and Alyssa Milano both have new boyfriends and neither of them is a professional athlete! (They're both actors we've never heard of.)

10. Oh look, here's a picture of Pacey typing away on his computer. Maybe he was emailing Joey to congratulate her on the possible coming to her senses.

11. The expression on Nicole Ritchie's face as she tries to choke down a sandwich for the paparazzi is priceless. There's practically a little bubble coming out of her head, "Get the shot already, get the damn shot!"

12. OK, I don't know who this Austin Nichols guy is - other than Jake Gyllenhaal's friend and Sophia Bush's new man - but he's HOT.

13. Winning the "I'm Desperate for Something Nice to Say About Her" Award of the Week, Meryl Streep said of Lindsay Lohan, "She is very present and alive on camera." Well, I would hope so, otherwise it would probably be her last one.

14. Ben Affleck looks terrified carrying Violet. I bet if he doesn't do it right, Sydney Bristow would kick his ass.

15. Rumor has it, Evangeline Lilly may be pregnant with a mini-Hobbit.

16. Mena Suvari is dating a break-dancer whom she claims, "should be famous." So should you, Mena, so should you.

17. This is weird. Uma Thurman was proclaimed a knight in the Order of Arts and Letters by France's culture ministry for being a "classic and disconcerting beauty." You can be knighted for being pretty? And is "disconcerting" a compliment?

18. The runaway bride is now ready to get married and the couple is writing a self-help book. That's good, because those two selves need a lot of help.

19. MK and Ashley are the new fall Badgley Mischka models. They're hoping to raise the standards of their Wal-Mart shoppers.

20. This may come as a shock, but US is reporting that Scarlett and Keira's naked bodies on the cover of Vanity Fair MAY have been airbrushed. Wow, that's some serious investigative reporting.

I'm a little sad today that "Love Monkey" has been put on long-term hiatus (meaning of course, that's it's never coming back) and I'm now officially kicking off my "Jennifer Esposito for Best Actress in a Television Drama ("Related")" campaign. So what if it's a chick show? Shut up.

Words I taught my spell check include: Badgley, Mischka.

Signing off with a quote,"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop." - Anonymous

Or in TomKat's case, began on a couch, grew with a belly and ends with everlasting relief for the entire Holmes family.


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