Taking aim at pop culture.


Oops! Coldplay pulls a Destiny's Child

Rumors circulated the globe last week that Coldplay might be calling it quits after Chris Martin made the following statement while accepting the Brit award for best album:

“People are fed up with us–and so are we. We won’t see any of you for a long time. I mean it.”

This statement was about as retractable as “I’m pregnant” or “We find the defendant Michael Jackson not guilty.” But alas, Coldplay’s record company EMI pulled an obvious PR stunt when they’re market shares plummeted faster than the first season ratings of “The Gabrielle Carteras Show.” EMI spokespeople immediately dispelled the media speculation, but why didn’t we hear this from Chris Martin’s mouth? Probably because he wasn’t kidding.

This statement came only a week after his wife Gwyneth Paltrow told Virgin.net that she is quitting making big budget movies for a while because of the time commitment (read: because big roles for pregnant sexpots are sparse these days).

5 Reasons Why I Think Coldplay Will Actually Take a Hiatus

1. There are only so many ways to regurgitate the same song.

2. Gwyneth needs someone other than her million servants to make her a dill pickle and peanut butter sandwich at 3:00 am.

3. Chris Martin’s ego caused his head to explode, making it hard to reach the high notes in “Yellow.”

4. They feared more gay jokes in “The 40 Year-Old Virgin 2.”

5. They finally realized (News Flash!) that they are actually a pop band, and decided to cancel their upcoming “Duets” album featuring fellow Top 40 faves like Kelly Clarkson and Ashley Parker Angel.


Deep Thoughts: The "Striped Shirt Guy"

Everyone knows who the “striped shirt guy” is at the club. But I must say, with so many different types out there, I think we need to analyze this beast further by acknowledging that different types of striped shirts mean completely different things. Ladies, take notes.

Horizontal Stripes: This guy has no fashion sense and doesn't realize that he looks like he is sporting 30 pounbs of bitch tits under that pajama top. His mom most likely bought it for him at Fred Meyer during his freshman year of college, which was 1993. This shirt is typically accompanied by black Doc Marten’s, a brown belt, a white crew-neck undershirt, pit stains, and tapered Levi’s 501 jeans.

Diagonal Stripes: He shops for himself, but at TJ Max, or Express if it’s his birthday. He thinks he is way cooler than he actually is, and his shirt looks way too gay or Asian for anyone who isn't one of those. He pimps mad high school hos. Techno music CD's are often offered as promotional items along with shirts like this. This shirt is typically accompanied by high-water Tommy Hilfiger cargo pants with TH logo large and in charge, a gold chain with a crucifix, glow sticks, Aqua Net mousse, chest hair and K-Swiss shoes.

Vertical Stripes: This guy knows how to dress and shops at high quality retailers like Nordstrom, Barney’s, Abercrombie & Fitch, and Urban Outfitters. He is a true pimp and can dance in public, but only when hip hop is playing. This shirt is typically accompanied by Seven jeans, a moose logo, a classy watch, a wife beater, an open tab and a hot girl.

Short Sleeve Striped Shirt: Previous rules don’t apply when you throw short sleeves into the mix. This guy just finished his shift at Alberston’s and didn’t have enough time to change. He will most likely ass out before you can say "paper or plastic?" This shirt is typically accompanied by black slacks with stains, a name tag (oops, forgot to take that off did ya?), a visor, a turquoise rubber bracelet supporting “Save the Whales,” pink bubble gum and an unacceptable amount of hair gel and spikes for someone with a bald spot.

Care to challenge this? Hmmm???

Don't wait for "Waiting..."

Initially I was going to go off about how great the movie "Waiting..." (2005) is and how everyone needs to see it right now. But now that I think about it a bit more and peruse the not-so-tasty reviews about this restaurant-based, "Office Space"-like dark comedy, I realize that my enthusiasm and multiple LOL's during this movie might be due to the fact that I worked at Red Robin for years during college. Let's just say it hit home.

So if you have ever worked at a restaurant or fall into the "18-25 year-old males" category, this movie is a must-see. If not, check it out at your own risk, but I can guarantee that the consistent, witty one-liners will keep your interest.

Pros: Although the characters and situations are over the top, they are totally realistic for a typical restaurant crew. Alanna Ubach ("Legally Blonde" (2001); "Meet the Fockers" (2004)) steals the show as the twitchy, bitter aging waitress.

Cons: Over-abundance of penis jokes, Anna Farris isn't as funny as she usually is, you may never want to eat out again.

Rotten Tomatoes Critics' Rating: 32%
Rotten Tomatoes Users' Rating: 62%

P.S. If anything, catch this super-funny rap video that played during the end credits. As hilarious as it was totally random, there are some classic one-liners like "I'll fuck you with white bread, make you cheat on Atkins." Classic.


Today's DVD Releases

Rent (PG-13)
A group of friends struggle in poverty in New York City. (Taye Diggs, Rosario Dawson, Jesse L. Martin)
Rotten Tomatoes Critics' Rating: 49%
Rotten Tomatoes Users' Rating: 78%

North Country (R) (BEST BET)
A young female miner lashes out at her work place abuse. (Charlize Theron, Frances McDormand, Sissy Spacek)
Rotten Tomatoes Critics' Rating: 71%
Rotten Tomatoes Users' Rating: 83%

The Weather Man (R)
TV weather man has big chance but his life is in disarray. (Nicolas Cage, Michael Caine, Hope Davis)
Rotten Tomatoes Critics' Rating: 59%
Rotten Tomatoes Users' Rating: 67%

Domino (R)
A young socialite turns to bounty hunting for thrills. (Keira Knightley, Mickey Rourke, Delroy Lindo)
Rotten Tomatoes Critics' Rating: 16%
Rotten Tomatoes Users' Rating: 59%


K-Fed ready for "K-Pax"-worthy reviews

This weekend, Kevin Federline told the Associated Press that he is ready for the backlash that will result from his first venture into white rapper territory. In a few months, the human race will have to subject another one of its senses to the craptastic creation that is Kevin Federline when his album hits store shelves.

Judging by his debut single "PopoZao," which got 2 million hits in eight days on his Web site, his tunes will resemble a cross between Marky Mark's "I Need Money" and the sound of an old Volvo engine. Although he claims he and the Britster have collaborated, he says he is waiting to include those songs on his next album (oh shit, we should expect another one?).

This is not good.


Cinemaniac: "Match Point" scores big

Woody Allen: Please accept my sincere appreciation for finally redeeming yourself after creating movies for years that only your daughter/exchange student/lover/wife Soon Yi could appreciate. Your masterpiece “Match Point” (2005) couldn’t be more enjoyable, and you even crafted the first movie set in London in ages that hasn’t left its viewer feeling like someone jammed tea and crumpets up its ass.

“Match Point,” following in the footsteps of “Unfaithful” (2002) but delivering a more powerful punch, takes us deep into the lives of two struggling 20-somethings set on a crash course for each other. Scarlett Johannson delivers an amazing performance, and finally comes out of her shell as a mature, sexy actress. Although she acts a little more Anne Heche than Anne Hathaway at times, we still appreciate that she captivates us from start to finish as the displaced American actress struggling to make a name for herself in London. Jonathan Rhys-Myers, although a cheap Joaquin Phoenix rip-off and a little gay, shines as well as a has-been tennis star searching for his place in the world as well. Are we surprised that they were drawn together? Um…no. But as calculated as it sounds, it is definitely worth the trip.


Better Late Than Never...Movies Opening This Weekend

Don't bother rushing to the box office this weekend expecting anything new even worth the economy price of admission. Below are this week's cinematic gems that won't be receiving any shiny bald man statues or delivering any crybaby acceptance speeches anytime soon.

"Date Movie" (PG-13) - In the grand tradition of the "Scary Movie" franchise (2001-2006) and "Not Another Teen Movie" (2001) comes "Date Movie," a cinematic stab at all those warm and fuzzy Hugh Grant movies my girlfriend can't get enough of. This movie has received reviews that would make "Gigli" look like "Million Dollar Baby," and I question whether it can even rise to the higher standard of its predecessors. The reason "Scary Movie" and "Not Another Teen Movie" were good is because they really targeted some genres that were distinctly defined and crammed full of cliches. "Date Movie" appears scattered on the surface, poking fun at "Meet the Fockers," "The Wedding Planner" and "Bridget Jones' Diary." I guess I should stop making assumptions and just see it for myself, but this b-movie wonder gets my weekly "Warning: Wait for Video" distinction. However, I definitely recommend that you check out the trailer...it's good for a few LOL's.

Also released this weekend:

"Eight Below" - Paul Walker, apparently still on fire after the incredible success of "She's All That" and "Meet The Deedles," tries to engage his teen-and-under fan base once again in this adventurous tale that proves once and for all that it is possible to maintain a tan in Antarctica. Not exactly my cup of tea, but if you have to watch something with the parents and they are still traumatized after that time you rented "Unfaithful," this might be your best option. Good reviews as well...

"Freedomland" (BEST BET) - Ambiguously casted black cop? Check. Ambiguously casted white chick in distress? Abandoned children's asylem? Check. Creepy children spouting one-liners specially crafted for the preview? Check. Sounds like "Freedomland" has all the makings of a calculated Hollywood thriller, but on the surface I speculate that it will turn out to be "Along Came A Spider" (2001) meets "Don't Say A Word" (2001) with a dash of "Crash" (2005), just with none of the pieces of those films that actually made them good.


Guest Entry: US Weekly Spoiler

I know, people... it's HUGE.Here we go...

1. Cover Story: OK, I've decided to spoil the Life & Style cover first because TomKat's seemingly imminent demise is much more interesting than the fact that Jessica did indeed cheat on Nick. OK, so here's what we know... the very well-reputed Life & Style Weekly is reporting that according to friends, Tom & Katie have decided to "SPLIT! ... before they end up hating each other." (Do they care that everyone else already hates them?) They're going to live the lie until the baby is born, but they're doing so in separate bedrooms. They're going to share custody of the kid, with Tom buying Katie a house close to his to make it easier. He will also make things easier by surgically implanting a tracking device in Katie's head so he will know where she and child are at all times.The reasons they broke up are, "1) They never agreed on religion, 2) Tom's totally nuts, 3) He tried to control everything." I swear it says, "Tom's totally nuts."Of course, the TomKat Kamp is all "deny deny deny" right now, a la Jess-n-Nick... and we all know how THAT turned out. (See #2.) I don't know people, we can only hope and pray that our little Joey Potter has indeed come to her senses and realized no amount of money is worth living with that couch-jumping, alien-believing, anti-medication psychotic munchkin.

2. Second Cover Story: Jessica cheated on Nick with the Maroon Five dude - who's quickly achieved elite status in the Adam Duritz "WHY Do Chicks Dig Him?" Hall of Fame - while she was still married. Jessica and Maroon Five are now dating but Nick doesn't care because he's too busy rooting for his new girlfriend in the Miss America contest and his brother, that dancing fool Drew.Side note: the picture of Miss Kentucky on page 62 is worth the price of this issue. She is in desperate need of an Oprah Bra Intervention.

3. Tori Spelling says that she and her new fiance don't think they're jumping into anything. "We searched our whole lives, we finally found each other and we want to start that life as quickly as possible." I'm just curious... did she THINK she found him when she married her first husband or had she just decided to give up the search and marry the next guy that came along?

4. I don't understand why Gwen Stefani is getting such rave reviews for her "You Tarzan, Me Pregnant" Grammy gown.

5. Fergie the Pea said, "Veronica Lake in the 50's was my inspiration!" of her Grammy look. Too bad her surgeon thought she said, "Veronica Lake in HER 50's."

6. Nicole Kidman's had a lot of plastic surgery, right? Can this be confirmed? And PS... why doesn't she ever go to the kid's soccer games?

7. Britney Spears was bragging about "designing" her own Grammy "dress" (consider those air quotes). She shouldn't have bragged. And she definitely shouldn't have designed.

8. There's a guy mentioned here who's titled, "nightlife guru." I have two questions: one, how does one obtain that title and two, why hasn't he dated the Olsen twins yet?

9. News flash! Jennifer Love Hewitt and Alyssa Milano both have new boyfriends and neither of them is a professional athlete! (They're both actors we've never heard of.)

10. Oh look, here's a picture of Pacey typing away on his computer. Maybe he was emailing Joey to congratulate her on the possible coming to her senses.

11. The expression on Nicole Ritchie's face as she tries to choke down a sandwich for the paparazzi is priceless. There's practically a little bubble coming out of her head, "Get the shot already, get the damn shot!"

12. OK, I don't know who this Austin Nichols guy is - other than Jake Gyllenhaal's friend and Sophia Bush's new man - but he's HOT.

13. Winning the "I'm Desperate for Something Nice to Say About Her" Award of the Week, Meryl Streep said of Lindsay Lohan, "She is very present and alive on camera." Well, I would hope so, otherwise it would probably be her last one.

14. Ben Affleck looks terrified carrying Violet. I bet if he doesn't do it right, Sydney Bristow would kick his ass.

15. Rumor has it, Evangeline Lilly may be pregnant with a mini-Hobbit.

16. Mena Suvari is dating a break-dancer whom she claims, "should be famous." So should you, Mena, so should you.

17. This is weird. Uma Thurman was proclaimed a knight in the Order of Arts and Letters by France's culture ministry for being a "classic and disconcerting beauty." You can be knighted for being pretty? And is "disconcerting" a compliment?

18. The runaway bride is now ready to get married and the couple is writing a self-help book. That's good, because those two selves need a lot of help.

19. MK and Ashley are the new fall Badgley Mischka models. They're hoping to raise the standards of their Wal-Mart shoppers.

20. This may come as a shock, but US is reporting that Scarlett and Keira's naked bodies on the cover of Vanity Fair MAY have been airbrushed. Wow, that's some serious investigative reporting.

I'm a little sad today that "Love Monkey" has been put on long-term hiatus (meaning of course, that's it's never coming back) and I'm now officially kicking off my "Jennifer Esposito for Best Actress in a Television Drama ("Related")" campaign. So what if it's a chick show? Shut up.

Words I taught my spell check include: Badgley, Mischka.

Signing off with a quote,"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop." - Anonymous

Or in TomKat's case, began on a couch, grew with a belly and ends with everlasting relief for the entire Holmes family.


Shipshape and Seaworthy

The latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue hit store shelves this week, including a smoking-hot spread of supermodel Heidi Klum , who even after her second child can pull of swimsuits made entirely of body paint. The result is...perfection.


Today's CD Releases

9th Ward Pickin' Parlor Shawn Mullins
Ghetto Classics [Explicit Lyrics] Jaheim (BEST BET)
Secret Life of the Veronicas Veronicas